Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
