i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Holy shit dude........stairs
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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