I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
