that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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