The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
