apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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