singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
