Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
