i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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