You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
