my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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