You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
