wanna go halves on a baby?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I've blown a few things in my day
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So many bounce houses so little time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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