Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
