I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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