i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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