im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
