Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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