So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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