Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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