If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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