good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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