I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
