I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
