I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Randomize
