My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
