Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
