My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
even my farts smell like vagina
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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