i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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