i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
