Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
