So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
