Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
