Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
