You're my little dorito
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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