he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
