I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
