I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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