Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
