I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
