I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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