i don't plan on having that self control this summer
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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