Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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