a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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