i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Floor bacon is actually really good
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