You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
