So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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