We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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