Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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