I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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