??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
