so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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