My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
