omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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