I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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