I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
