Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
