My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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