i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
